


I Will Follow You Into The Dark

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Strangers [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 02, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Forbidden Love, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Magic, Parabatai, Sensuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: When Jace is taken by Valentine, Alec would do anything to get him back. (sequel of 'We're Not Lovers')





	1. Like a river always running

**Author's Note:**

> What is this, a proper sequel? It didn't take too long, did it. Anyway, this is a rewriting/retracing of the start of s2, set after 'We're Not Lovers', and it includes scenarios that i had envisioned before the season even aired. Hope you will like it, and, again, this is NOT the end for this series. The title is from the song of the same name by Death Cab for Cutie, which is kind of fitting, as well as the song 'Follow You' by Bring Me The Horizon. Chapter titles are instead from the song 'Find Me' by Sigma.

Alec’s whole body was twitching. First one finger, then a knee, then a muscle on his face; random parts of him all rose from the bed or moved inexplicably from their resting place, time after _time_ , breath after breath. Only his eyes were unmoving, wide open and burning from lack of moisture.

Every spasm seemed to spell one name – the only name that mattered. _Jace_.

Two whole days had passed since Valentine took Jace through a portal, and Alec hadn’t slept. Two whole days, and Jace still hadn’t been recovered! Everyone was against him, against _Jace_ , from Victor fucking Aldertree, to his mother, to Jace’s own mother – all people who were trying to get his parabatai killed and, as a result, Alec himself. And then there were those who just couldn’t _hurry up_ and who thought Alec was just getting worked up over _nothing_. Half of his own soul was lost in the clutches of the most dangerous man of the Shadow world, and Alec was expected to sit down and hope for the _best_?!

He got up, pacing the room like a caged animal, the spasms in his body only worsening. He’d started having them ever since Jace’s disappearance had sank in, or that was what he thought. Yet, Alec had no idea what they _meant_. Jace was less than a ghost, a veil seeming to have been drawn on him and their bond…so maybe Alec’s body was simply receiving ripples from whatever the hell was happening to his parabatai?

In any case, Alec didn’t think it could be anything good, knowing Valentine. The uncertainty, and the _certainty_ at the same time, put him in a restless state as more and more time went by. Jace was in pain, alone, back with the person who had hurt him the most in his entire life, and he would need Alec now more than ever. He needed to do _something_!

Tracking him had been a waste of time, since Jace had appeared back in New York right in that very moment, before vanishing once again – still, should Alec try again? Would Magnus accept to help him a second time? Except, even in that case, he’d have to wait for the day to start, when the ban to leave the Institute – put on him after his insubordination – would be redacted. Too many hours, when every minute he wasted meant agony for Jace!

He should try on his own; _that_ was something. Alec went to pick his stele up from his bedside table…but he stopped before his fingers touched it. Memories of pain and a weakened bond rushed back to him. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to Jace, to _them_ , again. He had promised not to ever risk their bond like that, not anymore.

What could he _do_?! He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t find a solution in the confinement of the night and of his room, he couldn’t blast the walls down since nothing would be gained from revealing that particular power, except the assurance that he’d _truly_ never see Jace again…

Alec was just about ready to tear his hair out.

He went to the training room instead.

_One. Two. Three._

Punch. Punch. Punch.

His hits echoing in the chamber all around him, Alec hoped that if he strained himself enough, he’d stop thinking…or, if his hands started bleeding, the pain would fill the void inside him.

His breath came out in puffs. The sweat on his body trickled on the floor. He was so focused that his vision encompassed only that patch of leather where his fists fell down over and over again.  

When, suddenly, he saw something else.

Another fist, directed right at his face.

Alec jumped backwards, his heart missing a beat, and he blinked a few times. There was only the punching bag in front of him, nothing else.

His heart was now thumping wildly, his mind a question mark. What the hell was _that_?

But when nothing else happened, Alec could only resume his punching, brow furrowed.

_One. Two. Three._

Punch. Punch. Punch.

The strained tendons in his arms screamed at him to slow down, but he didn’t care to listen. He had _seen_ something, he was sure of it. He needed to take another look.

It took him longer than before, to get to that trance-like focus, but in the end he managed it…and that fist came back into his line of sight, intermittently, as if someone was switching the light on and off on that scene every other second. That hand seemed to be hitting him over and over again, a bald and brutish face attached to it, but Alec never felt it get to him.

When, suddenly, he realized what was probably going on. Someone was hitting _Jace_ , not him…

Something like this had never happened. Their powers (mostly) included things that _runes_ could do – enhanced ten folds, without actually having to use the runes, yes, but hardly more than that. It surely didn’t allow them to see what the other saw.

Until now.

Somewhere, somehow, _someone_ was hitting Jace, and Alec could see it through Jace’s own eyes.

That is, until he started only seeing _red_. Someone was _hitting_ Jace – _his_ Jace! And the anger behind his punches became thunderous, the pain shooting up his arms every blow striking him like lightning bolts…but he couldn’t care less about his own pain, because he now _knew_ what was happening to Jace. But at what cost?! His wish to know had been fulfilled, yes, but he had no more a way to _help_ him than before!

It only felt like a cruel joke.  

 _Jace, if you can hear me, I’m here! Just hold on a little longer, I swear I’ll find you! Just you_ wait _for me!_

Then, not only metaphorically anymore, a gush of actual _red_ erupted in front of him, and Alec realized it came from Jace. He was coughing up blood, but the man that was torturing him wasn’t sparing him any mercy. He was about to rain down on Jace once more. 

Alec couldn’t _allow_ that any longer.

Irrationally, hopelessly, he brought a leg back, then sprung it forward, toward the punching bag, with all of his strength …only to have his calf collide with the brutish man’s ribs instead.

It didn’t look like his own leg, though – it was _Jace’s_ leg…and Alec found himself hanging by the hands, his upper half naked, the pain in his entire body so much worse than before that his strained arms had been practically _nothing_. As he kicked at Jace’s torturer, however, fueled by a rage he had never felt in his life, he didn’t care. The man doubled over, falling on the ground, and Alec broke out of his chains with a _growl_. It was Jace’s voice coming out of him.

Ignoring just as well the new wave of pain that hit him as he landed on his hands and knees, he didn’t waste any time questioning the hows and whys of the situation, because he needed to get Jace _out_ of there, wherever he was! Alec started running, barely taking in the cages and more chains hanging in that giant room; he only knew, somehow, where the stairs were, and he started climbing them at breakneck speed. Whenever he encountered someone trying to stop him, he fought them back with a strength he didn’t know he – _they_ – had. Only when he reached the deck – of _Valentine’s_ ship! – did he stop. Dozens of people, as well as Valentine himself, were surrounding him. He would’ve fought them all, he could’ve killed them all, and then he would’ve opened a portal to get Jace back to the Institute, he just knew he had enough channeled energy in that moment to do it…

But right as Alec was about to act, his head was suddenly split in half by a ringing sound. He grabbed at his head, unable to stifle a shout, everyone looking at him as if he were a madman…the view behind them looked very familiar…and he was on the ground of the Institute training room.

“Alec, wake up, please, wake up!”

Alec’s eyes shot open and his sister’s worried face hovering over him was the first thing he saw. He bolted upright, a weird sense of panic settling in him as he slowly found his bearings again.

Why the hell was he on the floor? Why were Izzy, his mother, and Victor Aldertree, all in their nightwear, surrounding him and looking at him as if he was going to pass out again?

“What is the _meaning_ of this, Mr. Lightwood?” Aldertree addressed him, unsuccessfully hiding his annoyance at the situation.

Izzy looked up at their new boss with equally hidden reproach, as her hands tightened their hold on Alec’s, but before she could do anything, Maryse stepped up. Sending a quick, nervous side-glance in Aldertree’s direction, she crouched down next to her son, and started speaking in a hushed, seething tone, “Alec, how could you _do_ this? Your behavior is becoming _unacceptable_ …first you run off, then you break Institute property? Apologize, _immediately_.”

Alec had stayed unmoving with his mouth hanging open during the entire exchange, his head threatening to explode any minute, but his mother’s words got a reaction out of him. Turning his head, he noticed for the first time the literal… _mess_ in front of them. The entire back window of the training room had fallen down, a punching bag laying on its remains – a bed of broken glass.

That sight sent a spark to Alec’s brain. “ _Jace_!” he shouted aloud without even meaning to, as he struggled to get on his feet. 

“Excuse me, _what_?”

Aldertree’s crossed voice forced Alec to turn his gaze away from the glass and towards him, where he found three sets of confused and expectant eyes staring at him. He had to give an explanation, _quick_. “I – I mean, I’m sorry, I just…”

_I know where Jace is. I can get us all there, and take him back._

But how could he explain how he had gotten that information without revealing his and Jace’s incriminating powers?

His mind started scrambling for an answer at the rate of his accelerated heartbeat. “I – I didn’t mean to – I will get it fixed, I promise! I just…couldn’t sleep and needed to unwind, so I came here, when – when I received a fire message! From Jace!”  

Three pairs of eyebrows shot up.

“What are you _saying_ , Alec? Mr. Aldertree, I apologize for my son’s behavior, he’s clearly not thinking lucidly, he must’ve hit his hea–”

“My head’s perfectly fine, and I _know_ what happened!” Alec interrupted his mother, feeling more and more frantic. “A message appeared and it distracted me, so I accidentally sent the bag flying, okay? It had the coordinates of Valentine’s _ship_ , by the Angel! Don’t you see? Jace managed to send it to me! But then – then the message exploded and I fell on the ground and must’ve passed out. Wait a minute, though, how did you all find me here?”

“A guard heard the crush and saw you hurt, so he sent for us,” Izzy told him distractedly, clearly still thinking over what Alec had said. “It was scary, you weren’t waking up for so long…but really, what did the message say exac-”

“Just make me understand, Mr. Lightwood,” Aldertree said then, slowly, as if talking to a mental patient. “You’re saying that _Jace Wayland_ sent you a message containing his and Valentine’s whereabouts?”

Alec spoke over his mother’s impending protest, “ _Yes_.”

“Do you realize that this could very well be a _trap_?”

Alec gulped, but didn’t budge under Aldertree’s stare. “It _might_ , yes. But do you really not want to use this information, trap or not? You’re going to sit here and not send a raid over to Valentine’s ship… _sir_?  You could end up capturing _Valentine_ himself, and Jace too! Think of how much the Clave will be pleased with us, with _you_ , sir. But I _assure_ you that Jace’s as much, if not _more_ , a victim in this as anyone who gets played by Valentine. You might not believe that, you don’t _need_ to believe that, but I think Jace’s done the Clave’s work for enough time to deserve a fair trial.” 

Alec, Izzy and Maryse all stayed silent, watching Aldertree with trepidation as he took his time to respond. The new Head of the New York Institute furrowed his brow. “I’ll take this information to the Inquisitor, and we’ll see what’s to be done about it. I give _no_ guarantees to what will happen to the traitor Jace Wayland, but if he’s really as innocent as you say, the Soul Sword will be the one to decide that. In any case, _neither_ of you, as well as Clary and Jocelyn Fairchild, will be allowed on this mission.”

Alec’s and Izzy’s protests were inevitable.

“ _We’re_ the best team you have around here, you can’t–”

“He’s _my_ parabatai, he sent this message to _me_! I have the right–”

“Alec! Isabelle! Don’t talk like this to the Head–” 

“QUIET! All of you!”

The Lightwoods shut up. Aldertree was furious.

Alec more so. “I will _not_ give this information if me or Izzy aren’t in on this mission, unless you _torture_ me out of it! And do you really want to lose this much time and resources, when Valentine could strike us down any minute? Send us _both_ , as well as whoever you want, and we’ll do whatever you say... _sir_. These are my conditions.” 

Aldertree’s face twitched for a moment, before he regained his cool. “ _I_ am in charge here, _I_ set the conditions _and_ decide what needs to be done! So you will receive notification of my, and the Clave’s, decision _tomorrow_. Now, guards, bring them all to their rooms, and make sure they _stay_ there. And find someone to clean up this mess!”

Alec and Izzy shared a meaningful look when they were about to be lead their separate ways, and Alec mentally debated whether he should tell her the truth – but he decided he would not. They had never _explicitly_ brought her in on their secret, and he wouldn’t start now. The stakes were too high.

At least, Alec was practically sure Aldertree would see it as he did and cave to his demands. His new ‘boss’ had been quite easy to read – he was a calculative, ambitious man, and he’d go as far or as near as would be more convenient to his ultimate goal: _power_ and influence with the Clave. Alec had to admit he found himself in that, and he wasn’t entirely pleased by it. Still, that meant two could play at this game, and Aldertree was but an amateur, a mere nuisance in Alec’s path to Jace. He didn’t stand a chance.

Until morning, however, Alec was left to turn around in his bed once again, images of what had _truly_ happened swirling in his mind. The sheer scope of that new _ability_ he had discovered should’ve been a bigger concern for him right then – after all, him and Jace were broken up, they were supposed to be moving _on_ from their romantic feelings for each other, and the fact that apparently _that_ wasn’t keeping their powers from getting _stronger_ didn’t sound good. Yet, it was rather the thought that his stint in trying to break Jace free had caused Jace even worse repercussions – Valentine _couldn’t_ take well to an escape attempt – that tasted bitter in Alec’s mouth. No…it was real physical _agony,_ right under his ribcage.

_I’m so sorry, Jace. But I will get to you…I promise._

_oooo_

The abrupt way in which the pain stopped took Jace’s breath away. Only his hands and arms were still stinging, but compared to what he had been feeling before, it was _nothing_. That new blissful sensation positively made him dizzy, as well as the fact that the adrenaline was starting to fade now that he didn’t need it.

That was why Jace let himself unceremoniously drop on the ground of…the Institute training room? He was pretty sure it was that, just as he knew it, except that the entire back window was now broken, a punching bag the apparent cause for it. Weird, but Jace didn’t particularly care. He was probably passed out, and was dreaming of being – _home_. Therefore, there was no reason not to lay down and enjoy that moment of peace, until a bucket of water woke him up again.

Except…why did the pain on his knuckles feel so _real_? And why were the runes on his arms different? He could’ve sworn the one on his left forearm was the exact same Alec had…

Jace looked down at his body with a more critical look, and there was no mistaking the fact that it was entirely too _big_. He didn’t have such long legs, nor were his hair so _dark_. He touched his head and the mop there didn’t feel like his own at all. And he could clearly _feel_ it, so could this really be a dream?

But what other explanation could there be? He was apparently in Alec’s body – not in the _fun_ way, but in the impossible kind of way, because people _didn’t_ just suddenly switch bodies. So, it _must’ve_ been his imagination running wild.

Too bad, then, that the dream wasn’t more on that first line of thought; after all, if he really had to keep his senses in a bloody _dream_ , why not have it there be pleasure instead of pain? His entire _life_ seemed to be made of pain, with only Alec as his bright spot, his peace, his home – which he had _lost_ …so maybe he should _make_ this new kind of ‘being in Alec’s body’ fun.

Laying down on his back, Jace’s – _Alec’s_ – hands started wandering on their own. It was thrilling, how instead of his own skin Jace felt that same body he had loved and worshipped so many times that he would recognize it anywhere. And it was almost narcissistic, the rush of feelings and affection – that he had suppressed, with a few exceptions, ever since Alec had broken them off, but especially under Valentine’s watchful and calculative eye – that rose in him for what was, right then, _himself_. It was exhilarating, too.

Before he could get too into it, however, Jace heard rapidly approaching voices and footsteps coming from outside the room. Dream or not, it wasn’t polite to be touching oneself in front of other people, unless they happened to be Alec in Jace’s body.

Chuckling softly to himself (what a scenario that would be...), Jace closed his eyes; he had the feeling that was the best course of action, for whatever reason. Something was telling him that he ought to pretend he couldn’t hear what those people were saying.

“Sir, I thought it was best to come inform you,” a first, nervous voice was saying. 

“All good, all good. Stay outside the door and don’t let anyone come in,” an authoritarian, accented voice replied.

“Wait!” Jace knew who that voice belonged to…Izzy? “Let me in! I want to see my brother!”

“Miss Lightwood, what do you think you’re doing here? Who called you?” the accented voice asked her, rather coldly.

“He’s _my_ brother, of course I’ve been called. Mom! Something’s happen to Ale–”

“I _know_ , Isabelle. Mr. Aldertree, I apologize for my daughter’s…exuberance, but, please, let’s just go see what is going on with my son.”

The one called Mr. Aldertree must’ve agreed, because the next thing Jace heard was the door opening and three sets of footsteps walking towards him. Jace tried to slow down his breathing.

“By the Angel!” he heard Izzy exclaim.

Then she was rushing to him. The feel of the new presence next to him, the way her hands were touching him to make sure he had a pulse…were entirely too real for this to be a dream. _Everything_ that was unfolding seemed way too detailed, slow, not foggy, weird or out of time as any dream should be.

Was Jace _actually_ in Alec’s body?  

When that thought occurred to him, Jace started searching his brain for a recollection of what he had been doing that could’ve led him there, but all he came up with was that, one moment he was being ‘taught’ by one of his father’s henchmen, and the next he had found himself in the Institute. So it must’ve been Alec…maybe _he_ was the one who had figured out how to switch places with Jace. Probably by accident. Alec was most likely the one punching the bag now on the ground; he must’ve sent it flying out of anger, which had made him unable to keep in check his powers…

This wasn’t good. If Jace’s hypothesis was right, Alec was now on Valentine’s ship, being tortured…and if he was still raging, he might not care to hide his abilities, and he could start hitting _back_. This wasn’t _good_! Jace had tried so _hard_ not to let Valentine have even a _hint_ of what Jace was truly capable of, or the reason _why_ it was so. Valentine wouldn’t care that they had broken the Law, on the contrary; his father would start his own experiments on the limits and scope of parabatai magic. And he would use the knowledge of Jace’s _love_ against both of them, but especially _Alec_!

Trying to stay calm and unmoving under scrutiny became harder as he realized what Valentine now _had_ under his care, even if Alec happened to not outright lash out. Cause what if his father, with his uncanny perspicacity, figured out anyway that the Jace there wasn’t exactly him?

His parabatai – his… _everything_ – had never been more in danger! 

“Alec, please, wake up,” Izzy whispered to him then. Jace could feel her hovering over him.

“Use an _irazte_ on him,” ordered Mr. Aldertree, who Jace was starting to get more and more fed up with every second. Who the hell was he and why were they deferring to him?

Raising his shirt, Izzy did as she was told. Jace had no doubts that she did that only because it meant helping her brother.  

As the healing effect of the rune started soothing his body, Jace could only think _, Please, Alec, don’t do anything rush_ , _please, stay quiet_ , even though he knew Alec couldn’t hear him.

He needed to act _quickly._ If he pretended to wake up, he simply had to tell the others it had all just been an accident, and they’d sent him to his – Alec’s – room, where he could try to figure out how to reverse the process.

Just as Jace thought that, however, a ringing sound suddenly sparked into his head, splitting it in half…and he would’ve screamed, if he didn’t find himself kneeling on the ship’s deck, surrounded by Circle members, his father in front of him.

“I would’ve thought you were smarter than this, Jonathan,” Valentine said.  

It was pointless trying to fight back as two men went to grab Jace by the arms, while two others pointed swords at him. They marched him back to his room – more of a cell – and his only defiance could be a stubborn silence as Valentine kept scolding him like the disobedient child that he saw him as.

“What were you thinking, Jonathan? Really, tell me, because I honestly can’t understand you. I’m trying to make you the soldier you’re meant to be, and you repay me with the most brainless escape attempt I’ve ever seen in my life?”

Jace painted a grin on his face. “I was just testing your security, Father. I’d advice you to train your guards a little better.”

“Don’t make light of the situation, Jonathan. Don’t you know that humor is the sign of a weak mind?”

Valentine was pacing the small space, hands behind his back, shaking his head from time to time as he probably thought back to all of his son’s failures. Jace forced himself not to laugh in his father’s face – if only he _knew_ what had really happened – as he sat cross-armed and cross-legged on his cot.

“Since you say everything about me is weak, I don’t see why fighting it at this point,” he quipped.

“Not everything about you is weak, Jonathan.”

Valentine stopped in his tracks, turning towards Jace with that stricken look on his face that always made Jace’s heart clench painfully, because it almost resembled… _affection_. _It’s all a lie_ , he had to remind himself, _he doesn’t care about you_.

Jace dreaded to imagine what kind of state he’d be in if he hadn’t known what _true_ affection felt like. The jumble of thoughts and feelings…even now, when he could _feel_ the difference between _this_ and what he had experienced since Valentine had faked his own death, it was hard to reconcile what he _knew_ of his father and what he _wanted_ him to be. A real father, whom he could _love_ without fear of the consequences, because he’d be _expected_ to and he wouldn’t be punished for showing such emotion.

Instead, Jace was left with one lesson, which still hadn’t been proved entirely wrong. _To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed_. The way Jace always seemed to end up hurting Alec the most was the prime example of that.

“You have true potential,” Valentine continued, “the ability to turn _around_ your weaknesses for the _better_. Jonathan, you have to believe that I’m only doing this for your own good.”

 _It’s all a lie,_ Jace forcefully thought _, or if it isn’t, your ‘love’ will only destroy me_.  

“Are we done here, Father?” was all that Jace voiced. “Or do you have another lesson to give me?”

Valentine frowned. “I realize I have to change tactics with you, so we’ll _see_.” He made to leave the room, a fist almost on the door to call to be let out, but he stopped. “One last thing. I could swear I saw something strange in the way you behaved earlier. You almost didn’t look like yourself. Do you have any idea why I had that impression?”

Valentine’s eyes were piercing like a hawk’s, uncomfortably fixed on him while Jace tried to keep his body in check, unflinching, unmoved. He hoped his father couldn’t hear his tellingly accelerated heartbeat, as he responded, “No. Why would I? I told you I was testing _you_.”

“Clearly, you still have a lot to learn,” were his father’s parting words as he got out and locked him in.

Jace didn’t know when that door would open again, or if he would eat any time soon…but it didn’t matter. He was full enough of the worry for what his father had noticed and could decide to _investigate_. No cell in him believed Valentine had been persuaded so easily out of that line of thought.

Jace brought a hand to his side, where his parabatai rune was. The coldness, the numbness he felt there was the most depressive of his feelings. Ever since they’d tied their souls together, Jace had relied on Alec’s reassuring presence to be there with him, _in_ him, at all times. Not being able to feel him, either as a comfort or a way to make sure he was fine, was the cruelest of his punishments aboard Valentine’s ship.  

 _Alec, are you okay?_ He asked him anyway _. I swear, I won’t let him get to you._

The next day was worse than all the ones before. He was given pain instead of bread, while he walked on eggshells, trying to circle around his father’s suspicions. Valentine seemed truly interested to see anything strange coming from him, like he knew something _ought_ to be there. Yet, he _couldn’t_ know the truth, or Jace wouldn’t hear the end of it. _He doesn’t know, he can’t know, don’t let him know_ , was his mantra, then, every time he caught his father watching him. He pushed his powers down even further than before, and Jace could only hope nothing would come from Alec’s side again.

He _did_ get that Alec must’ve been desperate, not knowing what was going on with him, wishing to have him back, just as Jace did. More than maddening, worse than hell, it was truly a silent death when a soul couldn’t be with its other half. Jace, after all, always felt as if he were about to fade away, every new day making it feel more and more remote a time when he used to be so entangled with Alec that he had forgotten what was like being without him.

Jace would’ve never wanted to be reminded. Even at their worst strives, in their weakest moments – the last one far too recent – their bond had never been… _nothingness_. It was true that Alec wasn’t his lover, wasn’t _his_ \- a fact that in the past had made them even closer to one another – anymore, and hadn’t been for a while, but they had still always been _one_. Suddenly not being anymore…no, he couldn’t fault Alec for that accidental mess.

And if he let himself think about it, the fact that they had actually switched bodies was rather incredible. Still, it was no _true_ way to be with him, and what was power to an empty soul? Jace couldn’t even deny to himself the fact that thoughts of Alec were what made him get through the days on Valentine’s ship.

He shouldn’t feel that way, Jace thought then, as he was reminded of everything that had transpired on that same ship. If _he_ couldn’t take the separation, he should want something else for _Alec_. He should be _glad_ that Alec was free of him and his poisonous, demonic presence.

 _Demon_. Jace had demon blood. That was why everything he touched _died_. If he was really pure, he should want to spare Alec that same fate…but it wasn’t in his _nature_. He only wanted Alec back, and felt some kind of relief at the knowledge that Alec wanted that just as much, to the point of almost screwing everything up. 

Fighting his nature was also exactly the opposite of what his father was trying to make him do.

That was how Jace found himself kidnapping a werewolf girl, for no other reason than the fact that she was the perfect scapegoat for Valentine’s crusade, and he had been ordered to.  

“Kill her,” was his father’s demand.

But he couldn’t. Not like he had killed that vampire, Maria; breaking the Accords. If he did that, he’d _truly_ be the traitor the Clave thought him to be, and he’d never be able to go back home.

And, truth be told, no matter his demon blood, he didn’t _want_ to do that. While his father had some valid points, thinking that the Clave did his job very poorly in securing the safety of the world, Jace believed - _had_ to believe - that there was good in the Downworlders, just like there was bad in Shadowhunters. Killing them would make _them_ the demons, and the fact that his father had no problems becoming just that, had had no problems making _Jace_ one, showed just how far gone he was. How could he preach getting reed of demonic presence in the world when he had let it thrive in himself and in the people closest to him?

Fortunately - or unfortunately, depending on the point of view - Jace got out of having to make a decision by the opening of a giant portal right in the middle of the ship’s deck. 

That shouldn’t have been possible. Only someone who knew the exact location of the ship could manage to pierce the barrier set by Valentine’s pet warlock, Dot. (Thinking of her as that caused bile to come to Jace’s throat, because it was nothing but the _truth_.) And judging by the widening of Valentine’s eyes, that portal hadn’t been opened under his orders.

 _Alec_. He had done it. He had figured it out when he had been on board. Jace fought to contain a smile as the ship was flooded by Clave’s soldiers.

It wasn’t exactly the time to smile, though. Jace was still technically a traitor, and he didn’t know what the Clave would do to him. Not wanting to fight them either way, Jace resorted to take advantage of the confusion, and, for once, draw back.

Arrows flying over his head, shouts and the clash of swords echoing all around him…Jace retreated towards the superstructure of the ship to try and get a better look at what was going on. If he admitted it to himself, he hoped to get a glimpse of his parabatai.

Because he knew he was there. He could _feel_ him. The bond had come back to life like a switch had been flipped, and Jace felt _wired_ and ready to reunite with Alec. If things didn’t go south, that is.

One way or another, however, he was getting out of there. His time with Valentine had been terrible, eye-opening, and deserving to be just over. Even though Jace hardly thought he’d be able to return to the Institute as if nothing had happened, and he would likely never _fit_ again among the people he once called family, everything was better than this hell. He’d take Clave judgment as a whole person over Valentine’s teachings as a cripple any day.

Jace, from his hiding place behind a few storage boxes, could see Alec, Izzy, Lydia, as well as other familiar faces from the Institute, fighting side by side with other Shadowhunters he didn’t know. He wondered if the mysterious Mr. Aldertree was there with them, not knowing what he looked like.

Opposite them, the members of the Circle fought back with all they got, but since most of them had just recently been turned, it was clear the odds weren’t in their favor. Valentine must’ve realized it too, because Jace saw him draw back as well. All his subjects covered for him, keeping the enemy off their leader’s back, to let him get to Dot, the only way to escape.  

Magnus was on the deck, too, Jace noticed a moment later; he had probably been the one to open the portal. His presence was most likely why Valentine didn’t bother using his warlock to turn the battle around with her magic; the High Warlock of Brooklyn was clearly on a whole other level than her, judging by the people he sent flying against the deadly barrier with a flick of his wrists, and it would be a waste of time trying to fight him off, warlock for warlock.

Valentine, instead – Jace was still watching attentively - had Dot open a new portal. His army, if inexperienced, was still large enough that, despite their superior forces, the Clave members were only closing in on him very slowly. Too slowly. He was going to get away.

Jace had to act, _now_.

He was Valentine’s perfect weapon; it was easy for him to get past a battlefield. Moving like a leaf in the wind, his blade a whirlwind as it cut down the enemies it encountered, he reached Valentine in no time.

“My son! I was hoping you’d show up. Let’s go,” Valentine greeted him. He was looking at Jace pointedly, so Jace knew his father wasn’t so thick as to not realize what was really going on.

“Surrender, father. You can’t escape forever.”

“Oh, I don’t plan to. If you’re really so set on getting back to your precious Clave, I’m sure we’ll see each other very soon. Keep in mind, though, when your _friends_ will reject you, that you’ll always have a place right by my side, where you _belong_.”

Ignoring the jab, Jace shouted over the sounds of the battle, “You really think that I will just let you go like this?!”

He raised his sword, and quickly got rid of the last men standing before his father. Valentine had his own sword at the ready by that point, and he didn’t back down when Jace charged on him.

Jace would’ve liked to, but _didn’t_ have the confidence that he’d be able to defeat his father. He was the one who had taught him how to fight, after all, and the way Valentine always anticipated his every move, so much so that he had the time to constantly throw him _advice_ , was way beyond frustrating.

Jace just needed to distract him long enough to keep him from getting out before the Clave reached them. Still, the fact that Valentine didn’t try to stop him from engaging him was way too suspicious, showing that his father had very few concerns not to make it out. Jace gritted his teeth.

“You’re still too slow to cover your left side, son,” he kept nagging at him, smiling. “Think of what you could do, if you just applied yourself _more_!”

“Valentine Morgenstern!” a shout finally came. “By order of the Clave, you’re under arrest!”

It was the voice of Mr. Aldertree, and Jace could finally see him in the face. But he didn’t bother focusing on it for too long, because beside him there was _Alec_. Jace’s heart gave a pang, and their bond quietly locked into place, strengthening, boosting Jace with new confidence. 

Izzy by his side snapping menacingly her whip, Alec had his bow drawn on Valentine, and eyes darker than Jace’d ever seen on him. “Not one _move_. Slowly drop to your knees with your hands on your head, or I’ll _make_ you,” he literally growled. Jace felt a shiver of pride run down his spine.

But Valentine was quicker. He jumped off the side of the ship towards the portal hanging above the water, before everyone could even take a breath. Alec’s arrow flew right past him…just as Jace felt a force drag him backwards. 

Before jumping, Valentine had grabbed him by the back of his jacket, and he was now pulling Jace along with him.

And Jace was falling, pushed over the edge by the only father he’d ever known. The one thing he could focus on, however, amidst the blur of figures shouting on the deck, was Alec’s horrified look as he watched the scene unfold.

Jace didn’t know if he’d ever be able to see him again.  

_I’m sorry…my love._

 


	2. Like a fire always burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever broken the Law? they could ask. Yes, he’d have to answer. What crime?
> 
> Eros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10/31/17 i split what was a long one shot into two chapters for easier reading and to pace the story better. i couldn't be satisfied until i did it ;) plus, i added gifs (made by me) in some places

Jace was about to close his eyes, and brace himself for what would await him at the other end of the portal, when Alec started running at full speed towards him. A yell was stuck in Jace’s throat, as Alec dived and managed to grab him by the foot. Jace felt Valentine’s grip leave him as his fall wasn’t halted, but by that point the momentum was too strong, Alec was leaning too much outside the edge…and their combined weight could only bring them down.

Everything had happened in no more than a few seconds, and even less passed before darkness engulfed Jace. Suddenly blind, his back hit a hard ground with a force that pushed all the air out his lungs. He was still gasping when Alec’s heavy form fell on him right after.

Not wasting any time to recover, but rather ignoring the sharp pain sparking in his body, Jace pushed Alec away from him.

“What did you just  _do_?!” he shouted. For how loud he was, the sound barely filled the space they were in.

And the  _only_  other sound was their heavy breaths, before Alec shouted back, “Why the  _hell_  didn’t you think of a destination?!”

“I was too busy worrying over you jumping after me, you moron! Now we’re  _both_  dead, stuck in limbo forever!”

“Well, I’m sorry!”

After a beat of absolute, unnatural silence, Jace’s hands started feeling the dark space in front of him until they found Alec…and he sprung forward, circling his arms around Alec, their bodies crushing together as if they’d starve out if they didn’t. Sounds were coming out of them, desperate, soothing, incomprehensible noises of regret and relief murmured against skins and souls that had been parted for too long, always too long.

Jace had wanted nothing more, needed nothing else than the only other being that in his entire life had ever come close to bring him true, untainted happiness. Alec,  _his_  Alec, his soul, his love, his sin, his salvation. The way they held each other's broken pieces in that moment was everything that Valentine’s looming rhetoric would never understand, could never touch.

_He’s wrong, he’s wrong, he’s wrong._

Because none of Valentine’s teaching methods to make Jace stronger could ever compare to one word said to him with the rawest, most unbridled sentiment by the rightest, most genuine person.  

“ _Parabatai_ ,” Alec whispered hoarsely, reverently, gazing into Jace’s eyes – as they were lighted by the glow of their combined runes – like a blind man seeing for the first time.

Only  _that_  could make Jace feel like he’d be able to face everything and everyone who’d ever dare cross his path.

Jace wanted many things in that moment, and cared very little about anything else beside the wish to lose himself into Alec, Alec’s lips, Alec’s heart whose every beat seemed to echo into Jace’s own, Alec’s soul that pulsed next to Jace’s, finally back to its rightful place. It was only his mindfulness of what they had decided together that kept Jace from doing exactly that, and he instead resorted to only press his forehead against Alec’s, breathing in the air coming out of Alec’s lungs. (Jace hadn’t thought there’d be air in limbo, but he was grateful for it).

“Parabatai,” he whispered back, a prayer on his tongue.

Alec closed his eyes as if to better take in the sound of the word, and everything was still and quiet as Jace kept watching him, mapping him to mind.

“I’m sorry,” came Alec’s strained voice in the end. “I didn’t want to be separated from you again, so I just–”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“And I’m sorry for my stint of yesterday…I hadn’t meant for that to happen, and I shouldn’t have just run off like that when I was on the ship. Did–” Alec swallowed. “What did Valentine do to you?”

Jace’s thumb caressed Alec’s cheek. “Don’t worry about it, it wasn’t your fault. It was kinda cool, actually, finding myself in your body.” He smirked. 

Alec rolled his eyes before lowering them. One of his hands was playing with Jace's fingers, as if he needed the reminder that he was really there. “So, what do we do now? We’re stuck.”

“You know we’re not. We can create a portal.”

“Do you think it’ll work here?”

“Only one way to find out. And I’d rather not die in utter darkness.”

That non-place didn’t seem feasible for a long stay.

“Me neither,” Alec said. “But to do it, we need to…”

“I know.”

Alec looked at him, and Jace felt suddenly shy. On one hand, even though he knew this would set them back way too many steps, he couldn’t help but feel the thrill of anticipation; on the other, the fact that Alec would probably not want it, now that he had a new boyfriend and all – their runes glowing was just an aftereffect of their closeness at this point, nothing more, right? – made it all just  _desperate_  on his side. A one last taste of what he couldn’t have.

Alec was still the one to look at Jace’s lips first, his own slightly parted…before he cleared his throat to speak, “First, we need to figure out a plan. We should say the portal brought us somewhere in New York, far enough from the Institute that it would justify us arriving late. Who knows how much time is passing over there right now…what do you think?”

“Long Island?” Jace suggested. “It’s as good a place as any, and one you could easily come up with.”

“Okay.” Alec paused, before adding hesitantly, “Jace, you know that when we get to the Institute they’ll arrest you, right?”

Jace nodded morosely.

“But they can’t not give you a fair trial, it’s just not protocol…plus, I pretended that you sent me a message telling me about the ship’s location, and since it turned out not to be a trap, they might be more inclined in your favor. So, I’m  _sure_  you’ll be fine in no time.”

“Alec, I–” Jace shook his head. “I’m not so sure about it.”

“What do you mean? You’re not on Valentine’s side, they can’t not realize it.”

“Yes, but I mean…listen, I know Valentine is crazy and what he’s doing is truly terrible, but–” That wasn’t something he would ever want to admit to law-abiding Alec, but the risk was too high. Jace sighed. “He  _does_  have some points. The Clave is old, prejudiced, and it’s not doing the job it should be doing. I can’t – I  _don’t_  trust the Clave, and to them it’ll sound as if I side with Valentine no matter how I explain it. They’ll prosecute me. And I can’t lie if they use the Soul Sword on me.”

Alec bit his lower lip. “Then you’ll have to stress how wrong you think Valentine is, and that you’d never do what he’s doing! Please, Jace, you’re not a criminal, you’re not a bad person. The Clave will see it too.”

“Alec, I don’t think they’ll  _care_  if I’m a ‘good person’. Not trusting the Clave is  _capital_  crime. And just think of  _everything_  that could go wrong! If I touch the Sword, do you realize what  _else_  could come out?”

 _Have you ever broken the Law?_  they could ask.  _Yes_ , he’d have to answer.  _What crime?_

 _Eros_.

The word seemed to hang in the darkness all around them, spelled by the glow of their runes.

“Then you must take it,” Alec broke the heavy silence.

Jace had come to that conclusion, too.

Years earlier, Catarina had come up with a failsafe for them. A little black pill containing a spell; if they happened to be under suspicion without there being proof, they only needed to ingest it and it’d suck in all their memories of their affair, all the knowledge that they’d ever committed that crime. The memories not being in the brain anymore, but in a capsule stuck in their stomach, they could pass the trial without revealing anything…since it wouldn’t register as a lie to the Soul Sword. Then, to reverse the process, only a kiss would be needed; it’d trigger their powers like it often did, and the pill would be activated again to give back the memories.

They had tried it only once, in turn, to make sure it worked, and it had been surreal…two whole minutes in which Jace had looked at Alec, and then Alec had looked at Jace, and they hadn’t remembered having ever kissed each other. And when Alec had approached him and kissed him out of the blue, Jace had felt shocked, if thrilled, before his memories had come back...and he had returned the kiss with doubled fervor in the hopes that he’d never have to forget it again.

The time had come, instead. It wasn’t the  _worst_ -case scenario, one when they  _both_  had to take the pill; if  _that_  ever happened, only if the them-without-memories acted on their feelings and kissed each other again, they would ever remember. Knowing that for them to kiss the  _first_  time had taken the most favorable – or unfavorable – circumstances, they were both aware that the chances of that happening would be impossibly slim. They were both too stubborn and emotionally stunted that even when they were  _together_  they had had trouble expressing their feelings…it’d take a  _miracle_  for them to get together again.

Compared to that,  _this_  was nothing. Alec would keep his memories and he’d know to kiss Jace, once –  _if_  – he managed to pass his trial. Right?

A sudden thought occurred to Jace. “I’ll do it, but…Alec, I’m  _telling_  you now, you need to  _promise_  me that you won’t let me live forever without memories of our times together.” Judging by the guilty look on Alec’s face, Jace had been right to doubt his intentions. “I swear, if you  _don’t_  do that, you’d be  _betraying_  me, you get that?! Every time you’d look at me, obliviously being your parabatai, you’d be doing exactly what I didn’t want, and if I could remember, I’d hate you for it! Please, promise me. You  _must_  give me my memories back, I don’t care what bullshit noble reasons you might be thinking of right now. I won’t touch you ever again, I won’t ask you to get back together…just, let me remember the best moments of my life.”

“It was just a  _thought_ , Jace. You really think I’d be able to live alongside a you who does not remember  _us_? I’m entirely too selfish for that,” Alec chuckled. “I  _never_  want you not to love me.”

“I’d still love you even without my memories, and you know that,” Jace put in stubbornly.

Alec smiled. He took both of Jace’s hands in between his own. “I  _swear_  on our parabatai bond, I’ll give you your memories back.”

Jace just had to hug Alec then, savoring the precious moment of being in Alec’s arms, until he was still  _whole_. “Thank you,” he whispered against the crook of Alec’s neck, before allowing himself to place a kiss there. He had kinda earned it, after all, right? He felt Alec shiver and tighten his hold on him.

It was time, but Jace didn’t want to let go just yet. Ironically, the non-place that was the limbo was giving them a moment of absolute privacy that they couldn’t have anywhere else, and who knows how long it’d be before they could be side by side again. No matter their precaution, Jace didn’t know if he’d manage to convince the Clave of his innocence.

They both needed to believe that he’d make it, though, so he chose to not bring that up. 

“I don’t know how to thank you for coming to rescue me,” Jace said instead, his voice cracking in some places, “and for, for not giving up on me.”

Jace didn’t want to think of all the reasons why Alec  _should’ve_  given up on him in that moment, because Alec’s eyes were shining so bright in their bubble of light amidst the darkness, before he said on an exhale, “ _Never_.”

And they were kissing, a sigh of joy starting right from somewhere inside of Jace.

Every time their lips met, no matter how much time had passed in between, felt like they were starting a conversation never ended. And right then, they were truly the only two people in existence. Closing his eyes, Jace could feel nothing but Alec, and his lips already ached from the knowledge that this would likely – almost, quite – never happen again. Fate was especially cruel on them; after all the times they’d tried to move on, they were still brought back together once again for a new separation only worse than the one before.

Thus, Jace put everything of himself into that kiss, trying to convey everything he’d have to  _forget_ , and he reveled in the fact that Alec seemed just as desperate as him, as he held him in his arms and opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. The glow of their joined hands had grown ten-folds before they finally broke apart with a gasp and trembling lips. Not wasting any more time, they raised their hands and projected the strengthened energy to the side, where a portal immediately appeared.

Jace was about to step into it, but Alec surprised him by crushing their lips together one last time. They were both breathing hard afterward, so Jace was glad when Alec took his hand and entered the portal side by side with him.

Landing back on Earth felt disorienting for a whole few minutes; everything was so damn loud and bright. Their hands broke their hold and they took a few steps apart to let their runes turn back to black. They were a few blocks away from the Institute, and soon they started walking in silence. No reason to add to the noise, especially when everything they could talk about was too complex for a walk in the street. Jace could feel Alec itching to know everything that had happened to him on Valentine’s ship, while Jace was himself curious to know what the hell was going on with the Institute’s chain of command. Instead, they simply enjoyed each other’s presence and the steady hum of their bond that flowed, unclouded, between them. Jace hoped that being able to feel it again would be enough to let him get through what awaited him.

When the Institute was in sight, Jace summoned the pill from the place inside of his room where he always kept it. (He’d dread to know what the Clave would do to both of them if it got out that they could pierce the Institute’s magical shields).

After one last lingering look at Alec, he had no other choice but to swallow it.

_oooo_

Watching Jace swallow the pill, this time not a test run, caused such a jumble of emotions to spring in Alec that he felt like he could be sick any minute. But especially when, as soon as it was down, Jace started blinking hard and looking around with a startled look on his face, before settling on Alec.

“Alec! Why the hell did you jump after me?! We could’ve ended up in limbo if we weren’t quick enough to think of a destination!”

If it weren’t such a terrible situation, the incredible power of that spell would be worth to marvel at. Jace’s entire brain had reshaped itself around the missing parts…

No, it was too terrible to think about to be awed by it. Alec swallowed down his bile. “I’m sorry. I just – I didn’t want to be separated from you again.” He could never lie about that.

Jace looked at him softly, which  _wasn’t_  that different from  _those_  times, so Alec managed to calm down enough at the reminder that Jace’s feelings were still the same, to not freak out when Jace crushed him into a hug. Instead, he returned it with just as much need.

“How – how did you find the ship? It was shielded so well,” Jace said after breaking apart.

The situation still strangled Alec’s heart as if a snake was coiling tightly around it. “I – Magnus managed to track it. He said he knows how the magic of the warlock Valentine used works.”

Jace nodded at Alec’s words. “Dot. Makes sense.”

They both fell into silence as they looked at the Institute behind them.

Alec would’ve preferred finding a better explanation, to not be reminded of Magnus. But, after all, he told himself, the situation had been dire, and kissing Jace had been the only way to power parabatai magic enough to create a portal or, later, to let him have his memories back…it didn’t count as cheating, right? Plus, him and Magnus hadn’t technically defined their relationship yet. It was  _nothing_ , and Magnus didn’t need to know.

And all that mattered right then was making sure Jace was safe.

Alec impulsively grabbed Jace by the arm. “Listen, Jace. As soon as we get inside they’ll arrest you, and I just want to tell you that I  _know_  you’ll get out. I know  _you_ , I know your heart, and your soul, and they will  _have_  to see the goodness in you. Just hold  _on_ , okay? And remember that I  _believe_  in you.”

Jace listened to him with wide eyes, and Alec hated to think that he probably didn’t know just how much he  _loved_  him. The Alec in Jace’s warped mind had probably never declared or been too out-front about his feelings, and the real Alec knew how much  _his_  Jace had had problems feeling loved, so imagine this one!

But before either of them could add anything else, the guards doing the rounds outside the Institute noticed them.

Letting them take Jace away felt like tearing his own arms out one by one. It felt like a betrayal. Was he wrong to trust in the Clave’s fairness? Should he have tried to find another solution? Should they have gone away, instead of coming back? He more than anyone should know by now how cold the arms of the Law could be…but they had both decided a long time ago that they’d do everything to keep their lives and family together before resorting to the worst. This was what Jace had wanted, right?

The question hung at the back of his mind all night. Only the steady presence of their bond, which told him Jace was sad but he wasn’t  _hurt_ , let him sleep enough to be functional the next day, and to keep his cool until he knew what was to be Jace’s fate. Jace, after all, might not believe that he could make it out, but Alec had the  _utmost_  faith in him, he would also never lie about that. That didn’t prevent him from designing an escape plan, yes…if worst came to worst, he’d ravage the City of Bones and leave the Shadow world with Jace without looking back…but first he’d believe everything would be fine.

“Aldertree is miffed with you for jumping after Jace,” Isabelle gave him a heads-up the next morning. “But he can’t really do anything about it since being parabatai  _does_  still mean something to the Clave.” 

“Good.” Alec nodded to his sister. “What happened on the ship after that?”

“Valentine might’ve escaped, but his army has  _considerably_  dwindled down, either dead or captured. And even if he has more people elsewhere, it might be a good guess that he’ll regroup first. Leaves us more time to find him.”

Alec returned Izzy’s grin. “Well then, I think I’ll go–”

“See Jace? I don’t think it’s a good idea to attract more attention on you two and your bond.”

Alec would’ve sighed and agreed with Izzy, if her uncharacteristically bitter tone hadn’t struck him as unusual. He turned around to take a better look at her. She tried a casual smile at him, but he could feel something was wrong.

“Is…everything okay, Iz?”

She pursed her lips. “Why wouldn’t there be?”

“Come on, I can tell when you’re holding something in. Spill.”

She averted her eyes for a moment, before looking back at him with unmasked irritation. “Why  _should_  I? It’s not like you ever tell me anything.”

Alec paused, the force in that statement taking him aback. “Is…is this about me and–”

“No shit, Alec. It’s not like we have any other life-threatening things going on in our family.”

“Life...wait,” Alec grabbed Izzy by the arm and quickly led her to a more deserted corridor. “ _Life-threatening_?!”

Izzy huffed. “Don’t tell me you don’t know that you’re breaking the  _damn_ …”

“Shhh, lower your voice!”

“… _Law_.”

 “And since  _when_  do you care about the Law, if I  _may_  know?”

“Since I was almost convicted!”

They glared at each other. Alec gritted his teeth before opening his mouth, “We’re  _not_ …breaking the Law anymore. Or we’re trying not to.”

Izzy shrugged. “Cool, but again it’s not like I know what goes on between you two. First you are at each other’s throat and you kiss someone else, then you completely freak out without him and  _jump_  after him to who knows  _where_ …you must admit it’s hard to keep up.”

 “Iz.” Ignoring his sudden shame, Alec waited for her to meet his eyes. “You  _know_  why we can’t tell you anything. What is this really about?”

She lowered her eyes again, crossing her arms, and Alec realized that her tacit support throughout the years might’ve cost her more struggle than he had ever thought. Not talking to her about their forbidden relationship had always seemed like the wisest way to go...but he had never held into consideration what she might think of it.

“I just – I’m  _scared_ ,” Izzy admitted then, and Alec’s heart sank. “For  _both_  of you. All these years I always waited for the moment you were found out, when they’d take you away from me. I – I didn’t want to be  _that_  person and tell you what to do, but…” She shrugged again. “It’s not that I don’t love Jace, but I don’t want to lose  _you_ just for…” She bit her lip. “You’re my family and I–”

“You won’t,” Alec interrupted her, pulling her into a hug. “You won’t lose me, I  _promise_. We  _know_  it’s too risky, for all of us. It’s – we’re done, we won’t be that reckless again.”

Izzy finally returned the hug, wrapping her arms tightly around him, and she nodded against his chest, sniffling a bit.  

Now more than ever, Alec knew him and Jace had made the right decision. That didn’t mean that his heart – his  _soul_  – wouldn’t  _bleed_  for as long as he lived…but that was the only way.

“Jace will be out of there soon enough, right?” Izzy asked him after breaking apart, careful not to smudge her make-up as she rubbed at her eyes.

“Yes, he will,” he told her firmly. There was no other possible outcome…none at all.

The next hours went by painfully slowly, punctuated only by an encounter with Magnus, who had come by to make sure he was alright, during which Alec realized sooner was a better time than never to quick-start their relationship. As soon as he went on that damn first date with Magnus, he could say he was  _actively_  moving on.

As it turned out, however, the agonizing, depressing slowness of the wait would’ve been preferable to what came next.  _Anything_  would’ve been preferable to being possessed by a demon that made him the killer of Clary’s –  _Jace’s_  – mother, and that almost got him killed by the hands of his own little sister.

At the end of the day, Jace coming back from the City of Bones couldn’t even bring the joy that it’d deserve…and that fact was only more depressing. As he carried Izzy to the infirmary, Alec could barely wrap his mind around the fact that, knowing what he had done, he’d have to  _talk_ to Jace eventually…how could he  _kiss_  him?

 _Should_  he kiss him? After hearing of Izzy’s fear, maybe letting their relationship be forgotten, forever, would be an even better course of action. He could take the pill, too, and it’d truly be  _over_.

_Every time you’d look at me, obliviously being your parabatai, you’d be doing exactly what I didn’t want, and if I could remember, I’d hate you for it!_

Jace’s words stung, but Jace had told him it’d be a betrayal only if he was the  _only_  one without memories…both of them wouldn’t count, right?

Alec chuckled bitterly to himself, as he started wandering the corridors aimlessly…because he knew he was bullshitting himself. It’d be the  _worst_ kind of betrayal he could ever do, and not only to Jace. He  _knew_  that he’d never be able to let it all be forgotten, because just the thought was making  _him_  choked up. He could _never_  erase from existence, not even for Izzy, what had filled his life the most, the  _best_. Just as he had told Jace, he was entirely too selfish for that, and he felt dirty having even  _thought_  of it.

His feet had brought him in front of Jace’s room. Alec’s hands still reeked of blood, either way. He’d go in there, surprise-kiss Jace before he could overthink it, let him have a moment to remember it all, and he’d get out of there. After all, Jace would hardly want to see a… _killer_  like him, for more than was necessary. 

Seeing Jace stare outside of his window, still in his bloody and dirty clothes, hit Alec more than he would’ve thought, and he knew he couldn’t just leave him. Jace only gave him a glance when he heard him enter, before averting his eyes again.

“Is Izzy okay?” Jace asked him in a monotone.

“She will be,” Alec replied, suddenly nervous.

“How are you?”

That question took him completely by surprise. “How am  _I_?” he burst out, almost scandalized. “How are  _you,_ you mean?”

“ _I’m_  fine. I got out, right?” Still monotone.

Alec was about to protest…but first he had to fix something. Setting any embarrassment aside, he strode over to Jace, who looked up at him with a start once he saw how close he was. Alec didn’t let him question it. “Just…don’t freak out, okay?”

Jace was still puzzled, but at least he trusted him enough not to flinch back when Alec grabbed his face and kissed him right on the mouth. He could feel Jace’s shock in the curve of his lips, but Alec could’ve sworn he had started easing into it – and he didn’t know why that surprised him, since he  _knew_  the spell didn’t erase feelings – before Jace suddenly froze and let out a groan of pain. Alec held him to his chest as he trembled through the process, his entire brain being refilled with too much all at once…then he finally relaxed. When he looked up at him, Alec realized just how  _much_  it had been different before. Jace had still been the same person, but the  _other_  Jace had been so painfully closed-up in comparison. No more than a day, and Alec had already missed  _this_  Jace – who looked at him as if he had just hung the moon for him - more than he could ever say. 

That was why he let Jace kiss him one last – last, last,  _last_  – time, a self-indulgence that’d cost a lingering presence on his lips even harder to let go of, before Alec forced himself to break apart. Not too far away, because Jace was still wincing.

He was still holding him when Jace finally spoke, rather breathlessly. “Thank you. ‘Don’t freak out’,  _really_?”

They both chuckled lightly. But the mood wasn’t of the best, so they stopped soon enough, until only silence was left. It was Jace the one to take a step back first, averting his eyes.

Alec cleared his throat. “Just, could you tell me what happened at the City of Bones, please? Then I swear I’ll go.” 

“Why – why are you going? You don’t have to.”

Alec frowned. “I thought, you might not want...to be near me right now.” 

“Why wouldn’t I? I waited all day to come back here…to you…and I should be allowed to be near my parabatai, right?”

Jace seemed genuinely baffled by Alec’s reticence, and Alec didn’t understand why, since he thought he had been told what had happened. “Jace, I – I was the one to kill…”

“Wait, are you really talking about  _that_? Alec, that wasn’t your fault, that was the  _demon_.” 

Of course, Jace would be one not to blame Alec for his actions under possession. Suddenly, that wasn’t something Alec could  _stand_. “Still, it’s  _Clary’s_  mother… _your_  mother! How can you look at me and not see…” Alec stared down at his own hands, where he could only see  _red,_  even though he had cleaned all of it up. “ _Please_ , just tell me if you’re alright or if something happened at the City of Bones, and I’ll go.”

But his plea was followed only by silence, and Alec took that as his leave. “I’ll just go, then.”

He was half-way to the door before a shout stopped him. “Alec, wait! I just – I know that so much has happened and we should talk about it, but everything’s such a damn mess, and I swear my head is going to explode if I…and I just want… _please_ , don’t leave me right now.”

After staring at his feet for a long moment, Alec backtracked all the way to pull Jace into a hug. His body sighing into it, the bond seemed to thank him. “Of course. I’m here, whatever you need,” he whispered into Jace’s ear.

They ended up just getting into bed, after Jace took a shower and Alec retrieved some night clothes from the closet. Some were his anyway.

The softness of the mattress felt heavenly after everything they’d been through. They laid facing each other, carefully apart, but it didn’t matter that much given that they were still  _together_. Alec would take this over anything else.

Understandably, they both had trouble sleeping. Alec didn’t fall asleep at all, while Jace woke up after a while completely restless. Seeing Alec by his side seemed to calm him a little, but it also made him nervous…until he just exploded.

“I’m sorry, Alec,” he said brokenly, before unsuccessfully trying to rein in the tears.  

Alec caught him in his arms. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Why are you sorry?”

“Valentine, he – he experimented on me, when I was a baby. I have demon blood, Alec.”

Alec’s gut twisted painfully as he searched Jace’s face for an explanation, and what he found there made him only hold Jace harder. “Jace, it’s o–”

“If I had known,” Jace interrupted him, “I would’ve  _never_  made you enter a parabatai bond with me. Who knows how much it’s been corrupted by me and…what if our powers are because of–”

“Hey, no,  _stop_ , Jace,” Alec held Jace’s face in between his hands. “Baby, stop.” He had not called Jace like that in so long, but the word still rolled on his tongue as if it belonged there. “We have been in this bond for a long ass time, I think I would’ve noticed if it did anything  _wrong_  to it. And even  _if_ , honestly, Jace, I don’t care. I mean, it’s horrible the things Valentine would do, and  _did,_ to his own family…but you’re still  _you_ , and I  _know_  you. You’re the  _best_  person I know, actually.”

He wiped the tears from Jace’s face, before kissing his forehead. Jace looked at him. “Like  _you’re_  the best person I know, demon possession or not?”

Alec huffed. He hated when Jace turned his own logic against him…but he still had to give in, chuckling, almost feeling like tearing up himself, when Jace hugged him back, kissing his cheek. 

“Maybe two demons could make an angel?” Jace whispered with a broken kind of hope, but that sounded so ridiculous that Alec started laughing instead, quickly followed by Jace himself.

Then Alec just had to press another kiss on Jace’s face, his nose this time, before they both buried their faces against each other’s necks to try and calm down their unrelenting hysteric fit of laughter-crying.

At least, they weren’t kissing each other on the mouth, and that was an improvement, right? They weren’t doing anything wrong, and Alec thought he could live like this. He didn’t need to kiss Jace to love him, after all, and all that mattered was having him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a continuation, but in the mean time I hope you liked this! Thoughts?
> 
>    
> EDIT: companion gifset [here](http://sapphicalexandra.tumblr.com/post/166909051171/maybe-two-demons-could-make-an-angel-companion)


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